Do you ever feel so weary you could break down in tears? Pure physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion making you feel you are completely spent. There is nothing left to give. I have gone repeatedly into this scenario over the last several years. I will have short periods where I feel empowered then I go right back to the life being drained from me again. The Lord has laid this one thought on me over the last few weeks. “Why do you keep running back to the desert?”

When I was about 6 years old my parents thought about buying a bus line to shuttle marines from the base located near Twentynine Palms, CA. This was right in the middle of the Mojave desert. One day they decided to drive out to take a look at the bus depot. They took us five kids with them to show us our potential new home. We drove in a 2 door dark green Mustang hatchback with black interior. Us smaller kids were in the back under the glass of the hatchback. There was no air conditioning and only the 2 windows on the front doors to ventilate the car. As we laid in the back we tossed and turned like  rotisserie chickens as we baked in the heat. I remember sweating then getting goosebumps and a false sense of being chilled as the hyperthermia set in. My parents gave us salt tablets to keep us from literally dying from the heat exhaustion. I will never forget how relieved I was to arrive at a Denny’s to get out of that oven. Only to find the chilly air conditioned restaurant was so cold to us it nearly sent us into shock. Thank God they decided to not move us to the desert.

Having experienced the life draining heat of the physical desert I know I never want to go back there. What about the dry, life sucking spiritual desert? The barren land without the presence of Jesus. For some reason I seem to keep running back to it. I can be in a place of walking closely with the Lord.  Basking  in the closeness and love of the Holy Spirit then all of a sudden, I realize I’m sitting right back in the dry desert of my soul. I know it’s all me. Jesus never moved away from me. I did it. Just me. I became complacent and unfocused in my relationship with him. I’ve written before about letting go of His hand and wondering away from His side. It starts with just little exchanges at first. I can sleep in or watch this show. I could look at Facebook first thing in the morning until I run out of time to read my Bible or pray. Or I could just give in to apathy. The lack of passion that has killed many  relationships.

I’ve been playing this push-pull game for years and I wonder when am I going to fully step into the promised land and stay there? Will I ever fully leave the desert? The Bible talks about abiding with Jesus. It’s an act not a state of being. It takes action on my part. It takes intentional determination to follow the feet of Jesus. I have a feeling this pattern will not be stopped until the day I am finally at rest in Heaven. I must daily surrender my will for the will of Jesus. To delay all other things and give my priority to my walk with Him. I hope to be more disciplined as I grow older, but it still happens far too often for my comfort.

I need to continually choose to be in relationship with Jesus. After all that is what He wants. He wants me to be close to him as I navigate this world. He knows the way through the desert and all the perils that can come along the way. He knows the day the financial crisis or health crisis may come. He knows the day the diagnosis that we dread comes at us. If we stay close and anchored to Him he can guide us through. He will hold us up when we cannot stand. He will give us beauty when all we have left is ashes. He will give us water when we are dry and thirsting for life.

Imagine you are just enjoying the music. You’ve been having a great day enjoying the sun and food. Laughing and dancing. It’s a safe place to escape from reality and just have fun. Then suddenly the day is shattered by the sounds of bullets being sprayed all over the crowds of people who, just like you, were out to enjoy the show. No one knew who was going to be hit. Each bullet hitting people at random. When it ended the area was filled with the carnage of someone else’s selfish insane act.

They were all caught, unaware, that they were in danger. Are we all in danger at any given moment? What about the silent bullets that are shot at us? Bullets that cause death and destruction just like the bullets fired on that horrible day. They bring a maelstrom of carnage to your life. Leaving us wounded and bleeding. Sometimes it brings death to our doors. There are so many ways the attack can come. An illness, a car accident, natural disasters, and a million other ways.

I spent most of the week contemplating how to handle all the loss felt by each person there. Those that lost their loved one as well as all those who realized their safety is just an illusion. That at any given moment we are vulnerable. The Bible tells us we have an enemy who’s only goal is to kill, steal, and destroy us (John 10:10). It’s enough to make you hide away from the world.

What I need to know is the second half of that verse. It goes on to say Jesus has come so that we can have life and have it more abundantly.  Of course bad things happen to those who believe in Jesus. We still get ill, lose loved ones, and die. What the difference is the power to continue in faith, to know who has me in His hands. I need to  know the power of God who gives me strength that I can’t comprehend. The ability to forgive the unforgivable.

I hope those whose lives were changed in Las Vegas will find a way to find Jesus in the midst of the grief, anger, and pain that is left over. I pray they can live each day in faith. Faith that gives them hope for a better day. I pray that I can let my children leave my sight and go boldly into a concert hall the day after this happened. Yes, my daughter’s went to Cold Play the day after the shooting. I’ve got to tell you it scared me but I prayed and asked that God’s will be done. They were given set days to be on this earth. I want them to live it boldly and without fear so they truly live. I don’t want to know the pain of losing one of them but I can’t lock them away and keep them in a bubble.

Lately the news has been so negative and full of conflict that we forget that people are basically good. This shooting gave a glimpse into the heart of so many. We saw a man with an evil, broken, diseased mind and heart but more importantly we saw all the people who gave of themselves. The people who aided those who were injured. The men who shielded others with their own bodies. Those who threw wounded people over their shoulders and ran them to safety. It started even before the shooting when a shirtless cowboy danced with a young woman who’d had the worst year of her life filled with hospitals and chemo.

We need to keep in mind that the life we have can bring joy to others or cause injury to others. We can run and cower when the bullets come or we could know Jesus who holds all our days and whose goal is to give us an abundant life.