Do you ever feel so weary you could break down in tears? Pure physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion making you feel you are completely spent. There is nothing left to give. I have gone repeatedly into this scenario over the last several years. I will have short periods where I feel empowered then I go right back to the life being drained from me again. The Lord has laid this one thought on me over the last few weeks. “Why do you keep running back to the desert?”

When I was about 6 years old my parents thought about buying a bus line to shuttle marines from the base located near Twentynine Palms, CA. This was right in the middle of the Mojave desert. One day they decided to drive out to take a look at the bus depot. They took us five kids with them to show us our potential new home. We drove in a 2 door dark green Mustang hatchback with black interior. Us smaller kids were in the back under the glass of the hatchback. There was no air conditioning and only the 2 windows on the front doors to ventilate the car. As we laid in the back we tossed and turned like  rotisserie chickens as we baked in the heat. I remember sweating then getting goosebumps and a false sense of being chilled as the hyperthermia set in. My parents gave us salt tablets to keep us from literally dying from the heat exhaustion. I will never forget how relieved I was to arrive at a Denny’s to get out of that oven. Only to find the chilly air conditioned restaurant was so cold to us it nearly sent us into shock. Thank God they decided to not move us to the desert.

Having experienced the life draining heat of the physical desert I know I never want to go back there. What about the dry, life sucking spiritual desert? The barren land without the presence of Jesus. For some reason I seem to keep running back to it. I can be in a place of walking closely with the Lord.  Basking  in the closeness and love of the Holy Spirit then all of a sudden, I realize I’m sitting right back in the dry desert of my soul. I know it’s all me. Jesus never moved away from me. I did it. Just me. I became complacent and unfocused in my relationship with him. I’ve written before about letting go of His hand and wondering away from His side. It starts with just little exchanges at first. I can sleep in or watch this show. I could look at Facebook first thing in the morning until I run out of time to read my Bible or pray. Or I could just give in to apathy. The lack of passion that has killed many  relationships.

I’ve been playing this push-pull game for years and I wonder when am I going to fully step into the promised land and stay there? Will I ever fully leave the desert? The Bible talks about abiding with Jesus. It’s an act not a state of being. It takes action on my part. It takes intentional determination to follow the feet of Jesus. I have a feeling this pattern will not be stopped until the day I am finally at rest in Heaven. I must daily surrender my will for the will of Jesus. To delay all other things and give my priority to my walk with Him. I hope to be more disciplined as I grow older, but it still happens far too often for my comfort.

I need to continually choose to be in relationship with Jesus. After all that is what He wants. He wants me to be close to him as I navigate this world. He knows the way through the desert and all the perils that can come along the way. He knows the day the financial crisis or health crisis may come. He knows the day the diagnosis that we dread comes at us. If we stay close and anchored to Him he can guide us through. He will hold us up when we cannot stand. He will give us beauty when all we have left is ashes. He will give us water when we are dry and thirsting for life.