My sister called me in tears last night. She told me about a man who verbally assaulted her for no reason. He had barraged her with hate filled words. He was nearly foaming at the mouth in his unfounded rage. She was overwhelmed by what happened. Seeing someone so filled with hate perplexed her on what she had done? This man spewed foul language at her. He went on to say how he wished his mother would die and how much he hated her.
We talked about how this man is in bondage to the enemy. How this man needed prayer. How he needed a relationship with Jesus. I asked that she think about the possible injuries that he had suffered as a child. I always make myself think of mean people as infants. They were not born with this much anger. This anger is from years of the enemy of our souls attacking them. Their inability to find forgiveness for others and usually for themselves. He is captive in the webs of spiritual bondage and selfishness.
It breaks my heart to see people without love in there hearts. They don’t know that they have a God in Heaven who loves them beyond measure. They can’t see the truth from eyes blinded by deception. They have lost the ability to love.  They don’t know that they have a Savior who wants to remove all of the chains that bind them.
I have a relative whom I love. No matter what you do or say they cannot form a real relationship with anyone. They have a nomad lifestyle. No anchors to hold them down. They can’t accept love or love anyone else. An occasional text or a phone call to family, usually to ask for money.  They have no real compassion for anyone. This person is not a bad person, but a person who is so turned inward they cannot see others. A childhood of abuse. Abused by a father and step-father. Causing them to wall off their heart. The lesson learned is that it is not safe to love others and that they are not loved. The enemy wrapped them up in this lonely torment. Deceived into thinking they must be a rolling stone in order to avoid being hurt. It breaks my heart to see how empty their life is. We’ve tried to share the freedom of a relationship with Jesus, but that wall seems so impenetrable.  I know one day our prayers will be answered and they will turn to Jesus.
All of us were once deceived. I was told I was unwanted, unlovable, and a mistake. I suffered years of sexual abuse. I was taught my heart and body were not safe. All of us have wounds suffered from others. We have closed off parts of ourselves. This deception could have bound me up but Jesus had another plan.

When I accepted Jesus those walls of deception came tumbling down. He opened my heart to fully loving others and being able to accept love. I was able to find freedom by forgiving those who hurt me. To let God be their judge. My life didn’t become perfect, but now I am open to all the good God has for me. All of our hearts are made to be loving and kind. It is the enemies plan to make us otherwise. He wants nothing but our total destruction. The Bible says, ” Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1Peter 5:8). Jesus says, “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” (Luke 19:10). He also says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

Jesus helped me see the perpetrator of my abuse as an infant who was contorted into the kind of person who could harm a child. I could give compassion to him and hope he found Jesus before he went into eternity. I pray the chains the enemy bound him with were removed by the blood of Jesus. Jesus took all the pain and suffering in this world upon himself. He took it into hell and he broke it’s power to destroy us. We only have to believe to know this redemptive power to break chains off our lives.
We are called to pray for our enemies. We are called to share our faith because Jesus loves that guy who is assaulting you. He loves that person who just flipped you off. He loves that coworker who drives you to distraction. He loves that father who abused you. We are to love others as Jesus loves us.

My mother died this week.

It was heart wrenching to say the least. I never needed the strength of the Lord more. We got a text from my brother that her health was failing. The hospice nurse said she may not last much longer. We left the next morning for the long journey to Montana.

The trip was long but enjoyable as we had our oldest daughter with us. You don’t always get time alone with your children once they are grown, especially when they have a family. We chatted and reminisced about our lives. We laughed and just enjoyed being with her. I think I’m going to take a trip with each one of our girls without distraction. It is a great way to get to know them.

We met my brother and several family members at a restaurant for dinner when we arrived. It was so nice to see them all. Seeing all those people that I love so dearly eased my heart as I dreaded what the next few hours to days would bring.

After dinner we went to the Hosanna House. It was an Assisted Living Facility. You were greeted by multiple elderly residents that either smiled or tried to speak to you. One lady had a hard time getting words out as she stuttered repeatedly trying to tell us something important to her. She grabbed my hand and kissed it. Another gentleman said “Welcome family”.  I was moved at seeing so many who were spending their last days waiting for the inevitable end of their lives. I wish I had the time to learn more of their stories.

As I entered my mother’s room I was shocked to see her looking so unlike herself. She was emaciated and her face sunken.  Her dentures were out and her face had lost it’s normal shape. I remember only a few occasions that I ever saw her without them as a child. We would beg her to show us and how we would laugh when she did. This time it wasn’t funny. My heart was broken for the beautiful woman I loved. She was non-verbal and barely responsive. I leaned over her as she could only look to the left side to the wall. There I saw her eyes and knew it was my Momma. She was in this broken shell of a body. Alzheimer’s had stolen her from our family over the last 3 or more years. It had taken her memory and now even her ability to speak. She was not able to swallow water or food. She had made the choice to not take measures to prolong her life. Hospice had been called in a few weeks prior to this. I told her I was there and how much I loved her. I stroked her head and rubbed her neck. I could tell that this helped relieve some of the pain of lying in one position for days.

It broke my heart to see my dad break down and cry at the loss of his love. My brother was overwhelmed at the thought of letting our mother go without water or food. He had been her caregiver for the last 3 years when it became obvious that she could no longer care for herself. The pressure of all of this had been carried by him as he was the only child still in the area. I know how much he did and can never repay him for the sacrifices he made. He was a true blessing to our mom.

We all wept together over her. My daughter told her what a wonderful grandmother she is and she told her stories to remind her of all the wonderful times they had. My mother loved her grandchildren. They all knew it. Each one enjoyed the sleepovers, games, food, and movies that mom let them indulge in. My husband stood as a pillar of strength for me. He waited for days in a chair in the living room. He was there when I had to walk away just to breath. I thought my heart would stop from the pain. I could run to him and he would hold me or take me out for awhile. His prescence helped me more than he could know.

Family and friends came to be with her. We thank God for the ability to video chat with family who couldn’t be with her so they could say their goodbyes.  Each one taking time to tell her how loved she was. It was beautiful to see all the family gather. She would have loved visiting with each of them. She was a hostess for sure. She always had room at the table for whatever visitor came her way.

We stayed with her for 4 very long days as we watched her waste away from the dehydration and starvation. We thank God for the Hospice nurses who came to ease her pain. We had all said our I love you’s and goodbyes.

Mom passed at 1:12 am August 28th. My daughter was with her. She was holding her hand, stroking her hair, and singing hymns to her as she took her last breath. She had not been able to turn her neck the 4 days we were there. At the end she turned her head and a look of peace came over her face. She had gone into an eternity with Jesus.

I sit here and wonder what she is now seeing? My mother loved Jesus. She knew her only hope was in Him. I remember how she would talk about Heaven. How the streets were gold. How the light of God’s throne shone all around. How nothing was broken or imperfect. How we would see our loved ones who had passed before. How we would see Jesus.

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:8  “Yes, we are fully confident , and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” 

As the song by MercyMe says I Can Only Imagine:

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine

I know she is happy. Her mind is clear. She is walking with Jesus. No crutch or walker needed. She is laughing and rejoicing with her parents and sister. I have always pictured mountains and streams with wildlife everywhere. Songs of praise like no human ear has heard. Every branch or blade of grass is straight as nothing has damaged it in a perfect heaven.

I long for the day when I can see Jesus face to face. I will embrace my mom again. I am sad now for me but I know she is where she wants to be. I could never wish her back.

Thank you Jesus for making a way to be with you. I couldn’t face this life without knowing you.