My mother died this week.

It was heart wrenching to say the least. I never needed the strength of the Lord more. We got a text from my brother that her health was failing. The hospice nurse said she may not last much longer. We left the next morning for the long journey to Montana.

The trip was long but enjoyable as we had our oldest daughter with us. You don’t always get time alone with your children once they are grown, especially when they have a family. We chatted and reminisced about our lives. We laughed and just enjoyed being with her. I think I’m going to take a trip with each one of our girls without distraction. It is a great way to get to know them.

We met my brother and several family members at a restaurant for dinner when we arrived. It was so nice to see them all. Seeing all those people that I love so dearly eased my heart as I dreaded what the next few hours to days would bring.

After dinner we went to the Hosanna House. It was an Assisted Living Facility. You were greeted by multiple elderly residents that either smiled or tried to speak to you. One lady had a hard time getting words out as she stuttered repeatedly trying to tell us something important to her. She grabbed my hand and kissed it. Another gentleman said “Welcome family”.  I was moved at seeing so many who were spending their last days waiting for the inevitable end of their lives. I wish I had the time to learn more of their stories.

As I entered my mother’s room I was shocked to see her looking so unlike herself. She was emaciated and her face sunken.  Her dentures were out and her face had lost it’s normal shape. I remember only a few occasions that I ever saw her without them as a child. We would beg her to show us and how we would laugh when she did. This time it wasn’t funny. My heart was broken for the beautiful woman I loved. She was non-verbal and barely responsive. I leaned over her as she could only look to the left side to the wall. There I saw her eyes and knew it was my Momma. She was in this broken shell of a body. Alzheimer’s had stolen her from our family over the last 3 or more years. It had taken her memory and now even her ability to speak. She was not able to swallow water or food. She had made the choice to not take measures to prolong her life. Hospice had been called in a few weeks prior to this. I told her I was there and how much I loved her. I stroked her head and rubbed her neck. I could tell that this helped relieve some of the pain of lying in one position for days.

It broke my heart to see my dad break down and cry at the loss of his love. My brother was overwhelmed at the thought of letting our mother go without water or food. He had been her caregiver for the last 3 years when it became obvious that she could no longer care for herself. The pressure of all of this had been carried by him as he was the only child still in the area. I know how much he did and can never repay him for the sacrifices he made. He was a true blessing to our mom.

We all wept together over her. My daughter told her what a wonderful grandmother she is and she told her stories to remind her of all the wonderful times they had. My mother loved her grandchildren. They all knew it. Each one enjoyed the sleepovers, games, food, and movies that mom let them indulge in. My husband stood as a pillar of strength for me. He waited for days in a chair in the living room. He was there when I had to walk away just to breath. I thought my heart would stop from the pain. I could run to him and he would hold me or take me out for awhile. His prescence helped me more than he could know.

Family and friends came to be with her. We thank God for the ability to video chat with family who couldn’t be with her so they could say their goodbyes.  Each one taking time to tell her how loved she was. It was beautiful to see all the family gather. She would have loved visiting with each of them. She was a hostess for sure. She always had room at the table for whatever visitor came her way.

We stayed with her for 4 very long days as we watched her waste away from the dehydration and starvation. We thank God for the Hospice nurses who came to ease her pain. We had all said our I love you’s and goodbyes.

Mom passed at 1:12 am August 28th. My daughter was with her. She was holding her hand, stroking her hair, and singing hymns to her as she took her last breath. She had not been able to turn her neck the 4 days we were there. At the end she turned her head and a look of peace came over her face. She had gone into an eternity with Jesus.

I sit here and wonder what she is now seeing? My mother loved Jesus. She knew her only hope was in Him. I remember how she would talk about Heaven. How the streets were gold. How the light of God’s throne shone all around. How nothing was broken or imperfect. How we would see our loved ones who had passed before. How we would see Jesus.

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:8  “Yes, we are fully confident , and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” 

As the song by MercyMe says I Can Only Imagine:

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine

I know she is happy. Her mind is clear. She is walking with Jesus. No crutch or walker needed. She is laughing and rejoicing with her parents and sister. I have always pictured mountains and streams with wildlife everywhere. Songs of praise like no human ear has heard. Every branch or blade of grass is straight as nothing has damaged it in a perfect heaven.

I long for the day when I can see Jesus face to face. I will embrace my mom again. I am sad now for me but I know she is where she wants to be. I could never wish her back.

Thank you Jesus for making a way to be with you. I couldn’t face this life without knowing you.