I’m sitting here asking the Holy Spirit to give me words to share. I need and call for Him to speak through me. To use me as an instrument. An instrument to help myself and others to understand who this amazing Triune God is.

How do you describe one so holy? I sometimes feel I almost catch a glimpse of Him. A flutter of His passing robe. A subtle breeze or fragrance of Him. I think if I really had found any tangible evidence of Him in the physical, I would die in awe. His Glory would be too much for a mere human. He knew that we needed a way to be in His presence so he shared part of Himself when he sent Jesus. Of course I cannot fully explain the concept of the Trinity, but I do know that Jesus is God. He is the mirrored reflection of God and His glory. When He came into this world, His journey started in a dirty, insignificant little animal barn. He walked in the dirt. He reached out to draw the lowly and marginalized sinner to Him. He loved the tax collector, the homeless beggar, the prostitute. Why would the God who created the whole world care? Shouldn’t He start with the kings and leaders of the world? Yet, He started as the most helpless one in a stable. His earthly mother lying in straw. She pushed him into this world of filth, feces, and brokenness. We always show that stable as a cute little nook with clean baby animals, fresh straw, and glowing warm light but the reality was far different. I lived by a dairy farm as a girl. The barn was a wet and smelly area. It was only freshened if someone had just mucked the stalls and used brand new clean straw. I somehow doubt the manger was without a speck of manure, urine, dust, and dirt. Instead of being born in a palace, God lead them to a barn. Do you ever wonder why? I really think it’s to show us that there is no pit or hovel that He would not go to reach us. He can be found in the most filthy places. Places of sin and shame do not scare Him off. He is willing to come into the worst to reach us. To bring light and love to the most lost of us all.

The thing that separates us from turning to Jesus is our shame. We know that we are sinners. We know the condition of our hearts. The pride, jealousy, anger, lust, and hidden thoughts. We know that we are far from who Jesus is. He is holy and righteous, where as, we are not. When we feel the call to come into relationship with Him we stand and compare ourselves to His holiness. We know we cannot compare. We live in a society that is filled with comparison. We have the standards of the false façade of Instagram. Women especially feel the need to look and be perfect. You must be the prettiest, have the best relationship, the cutest child, and the most fantastic home. When the reality is we are all broken. Our hearts are empty.

So many turn away from Jesus feeling they are not worthy or He wouldn’t love them, if He knew the truth. The truth is He loves us unconditionally. This truth is what frees us. He knows all the hidden areas and the facades that we have. The hardest thing to understand is God’s grace. It costs us nothing but belief and acceptance. It cost Jesus everything. He paid it all when He laid down his life to pay for us. 1Peter 3:18 (NIV) says “Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God.”

When I walked away from what I knew was right, when I fell into deliberate sin, He knew that I would do it. Yet, He covered my sin and redeemed me. He still had open arms to His daughter who had run to this broken world instead of Him. My sin was covered the minute that I asked for it. As I fell to my knees and asked for forgiveness, my failure and shame were forgiven. Jesus lifted me back up and brushed me off. He covered my sin with that amazing grace that He purchased with His blood. Was it because I was worthy? No, it was because of His worthiness that covers me and frees me from shame. I think this is the hardest thing for people to accept. That they don’t have to pay for it. That all they are required to do is ask. Isn’t there a penitence or something you must do to be forgiven? Shouldn’t I have to kneel and whip myself with 30 lashes. Don’t I have to do something? The Grace of Christ is hard to swallow for us who live in a world where everything has a cost. Ephesians 2:8-9(NLT) says “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God”.

The enemy keeps us from coming to Jesus by naming all our sins. He tells us we cannot be forgiven or loved. Besides pride, that is his greatest weapon. He lies to us and tells us the blood of Jesus cannot cover that sin. He makes us question the power that is in that blood.

I am so very thankful that the God of this universe would even think twice about me. I’m just a little blip on the grand scheme of things. I was an unplanned and frankly an unwanted pregnancy. I was easily overlooked by this world. To God I matter. I am His child. He calls to each of us. He wants to call everyone to be His child. He wants to gather us to himself and bring us home to Him. John 1:12 (ESV) But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

If you don’t know Jesus, just ask Him to come into your life. Accept the Grace that He offers. It’s freely given when you ask. You don’t to have to get ready and clean up your life first. He doesn’t look at us and see our mess. Instead, He sees the love He has for you. He isn’t wanting to punish you. He wants to lift you up out of that state of death you are in. If you need changing, He’ll help you. If you are empty, He will fill you up with peace, love, and joy. Joy at knowing you are clean and redeemed.

What do you do in the moments that shake your foundation? The times in our lives when we get a phone call in the night that rocks our world? It physically steals our breath and overwhelms us. I have had a few conversations like that this year. Calls of the loss of loved ones and several with diagnoses that seem so unimaginable. I have written about the diagnosis of a cancer in my 4 year old granddaughter. That day my heart nearly stopped. I had my own health hurdles in the last 2 years. My heart has been having a life threatening arrhythmia and fluid around my heart. I spent many hours trying to make sense of it all.

I am a person who must pull away and recenter myself on Jesus. I can’t find solid ground to stand without Him. I will stay in my room of sanctuary where I will cry, barter, and ultimately will stop to listen for the voice. The voice of Jesus who whispers His words of comfort. The Holy Spirit will remind me I am in His care. That nothing occurs that can move Him away from me. He is ready to come into every situation and bring in His peace and comfort.

I’ve had several friends who’ve called me with the news that their world has been rocked. Diseases the world says are too big. Their lives have changed in one horrific diagnosis. The families wide eyed confusion of where to go from this. Is this the end? Does this mean God is not able to fix this?

With all my heart I know it is not. Matthew 19:26 says:  And looking upon them, Jesus said to them, With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

He is bigger than the disease. When someone gives a survival rate of a certain disease, they do not take into account the One who created us. The One who holds us in His hands. The same hands that took nails to break the chains of death off of us. He knows this world caused us to start dying from the moment our first cell formed in our mother’s womb.

This was never His plan. His plan is to give us life abundantly. I believe His death and resurrection stopped that curse and brought us life eternal. He never wants us to die. He wants us to live.

I’m not saying that we won’t get sick or die. What I mean is, that we can have faith that Jesus has a plan to bring out the very best for us and our loved ones. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28.

I believe that He wants to heal us. Throughout the New Testament there are stories of God’s miraculous healings. I don’t remember a time that Jesus refused healing. I know some are not fully healed till they meet Jesus. Sometimes we humans don’t get the answers we want but it doesn’t mean we didn’t get the healing we needed. The pain grows us in ways that never would have happened without it. Just like pruning a rose bush. You have to cut the plant back to force it to grow the perfect rose. To grow the beauty.

If we are being challenged right now, it’s for the future glory. A beauty that we cannot see now, but when we do, it will be clear. We will see the masterpiece our Lord has been sculpting us to be. After all, we are in The Potter’s Hand as He spins us and molds us to be exactly what He wants us to be.

It all started with a daily verse from my Bible app. I have been challenging myself to read it daily and see how long of a streak I could get. Most verses I read just stay in my head for a minute, but I couldn’t say I remembered them. Most make no real impact on me.  Then suddenly one will hit me and it is like it shoots from my head into the depths of my heart.

The verse came at the beginning of this week. I innocently read it and out of the blue, it revealed something to me. It convicted me. At first I disagreed with it. I thought, no I’m a loving person. I pride myself on being kind and caring to anyone I meet. A loud resounding voice disagreed with me. I knew it was the voice from the Lord. It wasn’t soft or a whisper. If it had been a physical voice I would have had to cover my ears. You see those cartoons where something is so loud it blows them back. This was exactly like that.

It screamed that I was a fraud. I am not loving deep down. I try to pretend I am, but really I am not. I may smile and nod my head at you, but do I really love you? Would I really go out of my way to love you? Do I love you like Jesus does?

I inwardly hung my head in shame. I knew Jesus was right. I have an outward facade of love, but I know the depths of my heart. I’m mostly thinking about me. How does this make me feel. How does this affect me? What can this do for me?

Now, to most of my friends and family I do truly love them. I pray for them and I would give them anything that they needed, if I had it. At least, I like to think so. Almost all my family and friends are easy to love. They are beautiful kind people who bring great joy to my life. What about people I come into contact with at work or in public? Doesn’t God love them? Wouldn’t He treat them the same as a close friend or brother? Shouldn’t I love them like He does?

Most people are good, or at least bearable, to be around or talk to. There are some who push those limits. They can be selfish, rude, hateful, bitter, or just plain awful people. Do I love them? Can I bear to talk to them? What if they are demanding and completely ungrateful for what you do for them.

What if they stink? I have a very sensitive nose. I can barely stand foul odors. I nearly run away from people who have bad hygiene. I am usually not very tolerant of filth. Do I love them? Will I stay with them for any length of time, or will I find the quickest route away from them?

As I stand now, the truth that stares me in the face is, I do not love them. I want them out of my life. Take them away from my sight. I don’t want the challenge to love them. Life would be so much easier without them. But, what does they say about me?  Does being a follower of Christ allow me to choose who is worthy. Who is lovable?

Jesus calls me to love like him. He didn’t die for only those who are lovely. He died for all. That includes the most ugly evil person. He died for Hitler, Charles Mason, child molesters, and murderers. He also died for all drug addicts, alcoholics, criminals, rich and poor. He died for awful people. In fact I have never come into contact with one soul He didn’t die for. He loves them even if they are unlovable to me.

Compared to the holiness of Jesus and His righteousness we all are awful people. We are like filthy rags as the Bible says in Isaiah 64:6 “We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.” 

As usual, when I ask God to help me love people like he does, I get a lesson. It was not a lesson full of contact with lovely people. Rather, it was the most challenging, sometimes awful people, that he brings to this lesson. I spent so much time this week truly exasperated with extremely difficult individuals. It is just like God to use these adverse circumstances to grow the seed that He is planting in me. Other Christians have warned me not to ask God for patience or strength. That if you do, you’d better hold on, because it will be a bumpy ride for sure.  I have come to love and hate these times of growth God draws me into. I know it is going to be so painful and challenging that I may hate every minute of it. In the end, I will be rejoicing at the new growth He has done in me. I will be able to see His plan.

The entire truth is us awful people need Jesus. We all are loved by Him. So many are never going to know this if we don’t tell them. If we don’t climb the walls of the awful person they will never know the life that is possible with Jesus. They won’t know the life changing power of the love of Jesus.

So my challenge for myself is to love the awful people like Jesus loves them.

 

My sister called me in tears last night. She told me about a man who verbally assaulted her for no reason. He had barraged her with hate filled words. He was nearly foaming at the mouth in his unfounded rage. She was overwhelmed by what happened. Seeing someone so filled with hate perplexed her on what she had done? This man spewed foul language at her. He went on to say how he wished his mother would die and how much he hated her.
We talked about how this man is in bondage to the enemy. How this man needed prayer. How he needed a relationship with Jesus. I asked that she think about the possible injuries that he had suffered as a child. I always make myself think of mean people as infants. They were not born with this much anger. This anger is from years of the enemy of our souls attacking them. Their inability to find forgiveness for others and usually for themselves. He is captive in the webs of spiritual bondage and selfishness.
It breaks my heart to see people without love in there hearts. They don’t know that they have a God in Heaven who loves them beyond measure. They can’t see the truth from eyes blinded by deception. They have lost the ability to love.  They don’t know that they have a Savior who wants to remove all of the chains that bind them.
I have a relative whom I love. No matter what you do or say they cannot form a real relationship with anyone. They have a nomad lifestyle. No anchors to hold them down. They can’t accept love or love anyone else. An occasional text or a phone call to family, usually to ask for money.  They have no real compassion for anyone. This person is not a bad person, but a person who is so turned inward they cannot see others. A childhood of abuse. Abused by a father and step-father. Causing them to wall off their heart. The lesson learned is that it is not safe to love others and that they are not loved. The enemy wrapped them up in this lonely torment. Deceived into thinking they must be a rolling stone in order to avoid being hurt. It breaks my heart to see how empty their life is. We’ve tried to share the freedom of a relationship with Jesus, but that wall seems so impenetrable.  I know one day our prayers will be answered and they will turn to Jesus.
All of us were once deceived. I was told I was unwanted, unlovable, and a mistake. I suffered years of sexual abuse. I was taught my heart and body were not safe. All of us have wounds suffered from others. We have closed off parts of ourselves. This deception could have bound me up but Jesus had another plan.

When I accepted Jesus those walls of deception came tumbling down. He opened my heart to fully loving others and being able to accept love. I was able to find freedom by forgiving those who hurt me. To let God be their judge. My life didn’t become perfect, but now I am open to all the good God has for me. All of our hearts are made to be loving and kind. It is the enemies plan to make us otherwise. He wants nothing but our total destruction. The Bible says, ” Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1Peter 5:8). Jesus says, “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” (Luke 19:10). He also says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

Jesus helped me see the perpetrator of my abuse as an infant who was contorted into the kind of person who could harm a child. I could give compassion to him and hope he found Jesus before he went into eternity. I pray the chains the enemy bound him with were removed by the blood of Jesus. Jesus took all the pain and suffering in this world upon himself. He took it into hell and he broke it’s power to destroy us. We only have to believe to know this redemptive power to break chains off our lives.
We are called to pray for our enemies. We are called to share our faith because Jesus loves that guy who is assaulting you. He loves that person who just flipped you off. He loves that coworker who drives you to distraction. He loves that father who abused you. We are to love others as Jesus loves us.

My mother died this week.

It was heart wrenching to say the least. I never needed the strength of the Lord more. We got a text from my brother that her health was failing. The hospice nurse said she may not last much longer. We left the next morning for the long journey to Montana.

The trip was long but enjoyable as we had our oldest daughter with us. You don’t always get time alone with your children once they are grown, especially when they have a family. We chatted and reminisced about our lives. We laughed and just enjoyed being with her. I think I’m going to take a trip with each one of our girls without distraction. It is a great way to get to know them.

We met my brother and several family members at a restaurant for dinner when we arrived. It was so nice to see them all. Seeing all those people that I love so dearly eased my heart as I dreaded what the next few hours to days would bring.

After dinner we went to the Hosanna House. It was an Assisted Living Facility. You were greeted by multiple elderly residents that either smiled or tried to speak to you. One lady had a hard time getting words out as she stuttered repeatedly trying to tell us something important to her. She grabbed my hand and kissed it. Another gentleman said “Welcome family”.  I was moved at seeing so many who were spending their last days waiting for the inevitable end of their lives. I wish I had the time to learn more of their stories.

As I entered my mother’s room I was shocked to see her looking so unlike herself. She was emaciated and her face sunken.  Her dentures were out and her face had lost it’s normal shape. I remember only a few occasions that I ever saw her without them as a child. We would beg her to show us and how we would laugh when she did. This time it wasn’t funny. My heart was broken for the beautiful woman I loved. She was non-verbal and barely responsive. I leaned over her as she could only look to the left side to the wall. There I saw her eyes and knew it was my Momma. She was in this broken shell of a body. Alzheimer’s had stolen her from our family over the last 3 or more years. It had taken her memory and now even her ability to speak. She was not able to swallow water or food. She had made the choice to not take measures to prolong her life. Hospice had been called in a few weeks prior to this. I told her I was there and how much I loved her. I stroked her head and rubbed her neck. I could tell that this helped relieve some of the pain of lying in one position for days.

It broke my heart to see my dad break down and cry at the loss of his love. My brother was overwhelmed at the thought of letting our mother go without water or food. He had been her caregiver for the last 3 years when it became obvious that she could no longer care for herself. The pressure of all of this had been carried by him as he was the only child still in the area. I know how much he did and can never repay him for the sacrifices he made. He was a true blessing to our mom.

We all wept together over her. My daughter told her what a wonderful grandmother she is and she told her stories to remind her of all the wonderful times they had. My mother loved her grandchildren. They all knew it. Each one enjoyed the sleepovers, games, food, and movies that mom let them indulge in. My husband stood as a pillar of strength for me. He waited for days in a chair in the living room. He was there when I had to walk away just to breath. I thought my heart would stop from the pain. I could run to him and he would hold me or take me out for awhile. His prescence helped me more than he could know.

Family and friends came to be with her. We thank God for the ability to video chat with family who couldn’t be with her so they could say their goodbyes.  Each one taking time to tell her how loved she was. It was beautiful to see all the family gather. She would have loved visiting with each of them. She was a hostess for sure. She always had room at the table for whatever visitor came her way.

We stayed with her for 4 very long days as we watched her waste away from the dehydration and starvation. We thank God for the Hospice nurses who came to ease her pain. We had all said our I love you’s and goodbyes.

Mom passed at 1:12 am August 28th. My daughter was with her. She was holding her hand, stroking her hair, and singing hymns to her as she took her last breath. She had not been able to turn her neck the 4 days we were there. At the end she turned her head and a look of peace came over her face. She had gone into an eternity with Jesus.

I sit here and wonder what she is now seeing? My mother loved Jesus. She knew her only hope was in Him. I remember how she would talk about Heaven. How the streets were gold. How the light of God’s throne shone all around. How nothing was broken or imperfect. How we would see our loved ones who had passed before. How we would see Jesus.

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:8  “Yes, we are fully confident , and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” 

As the song by MercyMe says I Can Only Imagine:

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine

I know she is happy. Her mind is clear. She is walking with Jesus. No crutch or walker needed. She is laughing and rejoicing with her parents and sister. I have always pictured mountains and streams with wildlife everywhere. Songs of praise like no human ear has heard. Every branch or blade of grass is straight as nothing has damaged it in a perfect heaven.

I long for the day when I can see Jesus face to face. I will embrace my mom again. I am sad now for me but I know she is where she wants to be. I could never wish her back.

Thank you Jesus for making a way to be with you. I couldn’t face this life without knowing you.

There are a lot of things I want in this world. I want to have a new house. I want a new career. I want to be thin. I have pursued achieving these desires. I’ve saved. I’ve researched and planned. I’ve dieted till I’m so sick of salad I could die. These goals have been just out of my reach. I’ve been wondering how come the more I focus on these goals the farther I get from achieving them? Lately, I’ve had some other wants. I want to be healthy and to feel well. I don’t want to have a permanent disability. I want to walk straight and run freely.

I’m a believer. I know my God is all-powerful.  Couldn’t He just let me win the lottery or something?  I could buy a house with the winnings. Couldn’t He miraculously give me a dream job as a movie critic? After all, I do love popcorn.  Couldn’t I wake up one morning looking slim and trim.   Wake up without pain and my heart in perfect health. None of this is out of His realm of capability. There is not one thing I could desire that our Father God could not do or give me. Matthew 19:26 says Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Is my focus all wrong? Am I focused on the now rather than the eternal? I keep praying for these wants to happen but sometimes God makes me wait or maybe it will never happen. What should my desire be?

Natalie Grant has a new song called More Than Anything. It says:  “I know if you wanted to you could wave your hand and spare me from this heartache and change your plan. But even if you don’t I pray… Help me want the Healer more than the healing. Help me want the Savior more than the saving. Help me want the Giver more than the giving. Help me want Jesus more than anything.” 

It has struck me how this should be my prayer. I get so focused on what I want and desire I treat Jesus like He is the owner of a huge shopping mart.  I put in my order and expect Him to deliver. Jesus is not Amazon!  There is no 2 day shipping. My prayers have become order forms rather than a conversation with the Lover of my soul. Imagine if Amazon had the wisdom of God. Could they see all the consequences of the orders we Christians place. They won’t know someone is diabetic. They won’t know that if someone orders candy that it is going to put them into a diabetic coma. They can’t tell if a customer purchases a treadmill that they will fall off of it and break a leg. Jesus knows all things. He has wisdom in his blessings and in his closing of doors. We fight against Him when the wants don’t happen in our time. I have become a firm believer in being thankful when what we want doesn’t happen. I know for some reason the Lord blocked that from happening. He sees the whole picture.

If we seek after the wrong things we may miss out on amazing blessings. There are also protections the Lord has put up blocking our human desires. It can get very frustrating when we focus on the fleshly desire rather than on what God’s perfect plan is for us . I have to trust that Jesus is for me. He is not against me and wants me to have good things. He is our Good Shepherd after all. (John 10:11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.)  He knows where the wolves lie in wait to devour us. He knows the rocks on the cliff are loose and we could fall to our death if He allows us to wonder there.

If we stay focused on the Healer rather than on just the healing we will truly know healing in the end. If we focus on our Savior rather than the saving we will know perfect confidence in His power to save us. If we focus on the Giver of all good things we will focus on His ability to give us what we need when we need it. Trusting in His goodness and His love is the key to living a fruitful Christian life. He loves us. He  knows what will bring out blessings to us. Even the painful things can be disguised blessings. The relationships lost, jobs lost, times in spiritual deserts can bring about something else that will bless us more. We must trust His wisdom over our own. Maybe that time of illness. Your long recovery gives you the opportunity to study the Word. It may grow something that never would have had the time to grow if you were able to work full-time. Maybe the nights of insomnia gave you time to pray when you normally had no time to do so. Maybe a lost love will make room for your true love.

Knowing Jesus is the key to it all. If we want a relationship with Jesus then He will be there. He will add in all the rest. (Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.) He loves us. We need to confidently walk in that knowledge. We need to stay focused on wanting Jesus rather than what he can give us. We need to stop shopping in our prayers.

Should we not ask God for things we desire? Of course not, but our focus needs to be on Jesus not on what we desire. James 4:2 says we don’t have because we don’t ask God for it. We are to petition the Lord but we also need to accept it when He closes the door on it.

God’s Love. As I sit and contemplate this love it boggles my mind. God’s love for us makes no sense at all. It’s boundless, wild, and free. We limit God’s love with the boundaries we have in our love for others. We can’t comprehend the limitless love by a Holy God. He must have a limits to His love, right? How far can someone go till God says no more? Until He says “I will not love them”.

There are the unforgivable sins in our minds. The person who broke our hearts with unrequited love. The person who betrayed us. The person who came in and stole our trust. What about the person who molested us or our children? What about the murderer? The drunk driver who destroyed our world.  Surely God’s love can’t go to that extent?

When we  look at the world with the human eye we can draw a line. My Christian love only goes so far but don’t push it. I have seen, heard, and experienced some pretty unforgivable things in my life. Did God stop loving the perpetrator? Does God love me when it’s been me who’s done the unforgivable? Is there a limit?

The only limit to God’s love is the one in our minds. His love extends even to the one who will never turn to Him. He loves even the one who will one day walk into eternity in hell. He’s called out to the soul of every person. He tried to win the heart of each of them. Imagine loving someone so much your heart aches for them but they turn away. Imagine the heartbreak.

God has the power to make someone love him or follow him. He loves us enough to let us keep our free will to choose this love or walk away.

What about the days that life is so bleak for us. We are buried in grief and pain. Such a deep pit of sorrow. What if we find ourselves in a concentration camp facing gas chambers as Corrie Ten Boom did. Is God’s love able to reach us there? The answer is “Yes!” God’s love reaches to us in the dark. His light shines on us and rescues us in that cold dark place.

In 1987 the story of an 18 month old named Jessica held the world’s attention. She had fallen down a well in her aunts backyard in Midland, Tx. She was stuck 22 feet down. It took 58 hours for rescuers to reach her. I remember our whole family watched the news. We waited and prayed for hours for this little one. God was there with her. She has said in interviews that she knows He was there. The world cheered as she was delivered from the pit. I think God and His angels cheer when we are finally delivered.

Luke 15:10 10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.

The Bible tells of the Great Shepherd who leaves the 99 to find the 1 lost sheep.

Luke 15:4-7 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

I’ve been in some pretty dark times. I didn’t see how God could reach me. I knew I had actually dug that hole myself. I had shaken my fist at God and had purposefully walked away to wallow in my anger, pain, and sin. I walked with this anger for almost a year. I refused to pray. To go to church. Even avoiding all the people who would try to bring me back into my faith. As I look back on it, I can see God’s hand in guiding me back. He used circumstances to channel me to restore my relationship with Him again. Even during my year of rebellion He was working it out for my good.

He was still loving me in the pit. His grace and mercy were available the whole time. He hadn’t changed His love for me. I think one of the greatest tools the enemy has is convincing people they have gone too far and God could not love them now. What a complete lie that is. There is nothing that separates us from the love of God. Romans 8:38-39 says “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD.”

I believe there are those who will never choose to follow Jesus. They will go to Hell if they die in that state. Did God stop loving them? Not for one minute. He loves them and is so very grieved by their choice. He will not force you to follow him. We have free will.

I am so very thankful for His love. He has reached out to me in the pit and lifted me up. Angels rejoiced as Jesus brought back the lost sheep.

Corey Asbury sings: 

“Reckless Love”

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

I overheard a conversation the other day that made me pause. A pause full of thoughts of how do people see me? How do I show others the heart of God? Do I live a life for Jesus that others can see Him in me?

This person talked about a parent who was religious, but their actions spoke of the evil in their heart. They spoke vile words that could tear down any foundation of faith a wounded child could have had. Now to this day they don’t want anything to do with this “religion”.

How damaging it is when we give a false front to our faith. We hold others to the standards that we cannot keep ourselves. Punishing others with the religion rather than loving them with the grace of God.

I have a vicious temper. Believe me when I say I am not proud of it. It takes me awhile to have an angry outburst, but when I do my tongue could peel the wallpaper off the wall. It is my most unbecoming quality. I have verbally taken down my girls on more than a few occasions. I give an onslaught of words that would make any sailor blush. As I have gotten older, and I hope wiser, it is far less often. It shames me to think about it. How does this represent my precious Lord?

The fact is that it perfectly portrays His grace and mercy for me. I am in no way am excusing myself or justifying my actions. What I am saying is this shows how I as a sinner am still accepted by my perfect savior. He calls us to himself while we are sinners. I have forgiveness for sin but am still a sinner. We will be made perfect when we finally arrive in heaven one day. Until then I will sin. Maybe not the big intentional sins but it is still sin that requires the blood of Jesus to cover it.

As a Christian, I am to continually seek Him and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. As He becomes more a part of me, less of the ugliness in me will be left. I will not be victorious over this part of myself without adding more and more of Jesus. An example is a cup of milk. If we need that milk gone from the cup we pour it out, but no matter how much we shake that glass to get out every drop there is still a white residue in the glass. So you add water. At first it is cloudy with the milk. Keep the water flowing into the cup and the cloudiness clears as each ounce is added till ultimately all the signs of the milk is gone.

I am a work in progress. It is a process of change that starts the moment we ask Jesus to be our Savior. We have full salvation when we accepted Him. The power of death is not on us, but we still have our human propensity to sin. That is why I have to daily surrender my will to His. My will is still self-centered and sinful.

The question is, how do I keep others from seeing Jesus as a fake when I am failing in some way? I think it is about being real with yourself and with others. If I am religious and push others to be religious with me then that gives a bad taste to everyone. They see the blaring inadequacy of the religion and they will run away from that. If I show that I am helpless without Jesus. If I give grace to people and love them where they are. If I share my weaknesses and if I truly apologize when I have wronged them. That is a far better example of Jesus. That kind of love is what draws people to Jesus. He is not a religion but He is a true friend who loves us. He guides us to perfection in His time. The grace He gives me must also be extended to others in love. Not in threats and unattainable standards of a dead religion. A religion built on rules and regulations no one could follow.

We are living examples to others of who Jesus is. We should avoid sin and strive to live a holy life but we must also love like Jesus. We will fail at times but we must love others who fail.  The bible says they will know us by our love for one another (John 13:35). It was a commandment spoken from the mouth of Jesus at the last supper. He said “A new commandment I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34).

I find it interesting when I read this that at that same dinner Jesus spoke of the betrayal by Judas.  Judas greeted Jesus with a false kiss that will ultimately lead to the crucifixion of Jesus. I think religion is like that. It has the appearance as an act of love but is really a fake. It leads to death rather than life. We must be careful to give a real example of the love rather than a false loveless religion.

Do you ever feel so weary you could break down in tears? Pure physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion making you feel you are completely spent. There is nothing left to give. I have gone repeatedly into this scenario over the last several years. I will have short periods where I feel empowered then I go right back to the life being drained from me again. The Lord has laid this one thought on me over the last few weeks. “Why do you keep running back to the desert?”

When I was about 6 years old my parents thought about buying a bus line to shuttle marines from the base located near Twentynine Palms, CA. This was right in the middle of the Mojave desert. One day they decided to drive out to take a look at the bus depot. They took us five kids with them to show us our potential new home. We drove in a 2 door dark green Mustang hatchback with black interior. Us smaller kids were in the back under the glass of the hatchback. There was no air conditioning and only the 2 windows on the front doors to ventilate the car. As we laid in the back we tossed and turned like  rotisserie chickens as we baked in the heat. I remember sweating then getting goosebumps and a false sense of being chilled as the hyperthermia set in. My parents gave us salt tablets to keep us from literally dying from the heat exhaustion. I will never forget how relieved I was to arrive at a Denny’s to get out of that oven. Only to find the chilly air conditioned restaurant was so cold to us it nearly sent us into shock. Thank God they decided to not move us to the desert.

Having experienced the life draining heat of the physical desert I know I never want to go back there. What about the dry, life sucking spiritual desert? The barren land without the presence of Jesus. For some reason I seem to keep running back to it. I can be in a place of walking closely with the Lord.  Basking  in the closeness and love of the Holy Spirit then all of a sudden, I realize I’m sitting right back in the dry desert of my soul. I know it’s all me. Jesus never moved away from me. I did it. Just me. I became complacent and unfocused in my relationship with him. I’ve written before about letting go of His hand and wondering away from His side. It starts with just little exchanges at first. I can sleep in or watch this show. I could look at Facebook first thing in the morning until I run out of time to read my Bible or pray. Or I could just give in to apathy. The lack of passion that has killed many  relationships.

I’ve been playing this push-pull game for years and I wonder when am I going to fully step into the promised land and stay there? Will I ever fully leave the desert? The Bible talks about abiding with Jesus. It’s an act not a state of being. It takes action on my part. It takes intentional determination to follow the feet of Jesus. I have a feeling this pattern will not be stopped until the day I am finally at rest in Heaven. I must daily surrender my will for the will of Jesus. To delay all other things and give my priority to my walk with Him. I hope to be more disciplined as I grow older, but it still happens far too often for my comfort.

I need to continually choose to be in relationship with Jesus. After all that is what He wants. He wants me to be close to him as I navigate this world. He knows the way through the desert and all the perils that can come along the way. He knows the day the financial crisis or health crisis may come. He knows the day the diagnosis that we dread comes at us. If we stay close and anchored to Him he can guide us through. He will hold us up when we cannot stand. He will give us beauty when all we have left is ashes. He will give us water when we are dry and thirsting for life.

Imagine you are just enjoying the music. You’ve been having a great day enjoying the sun and food. Laughing and dancing. It’s a safe place to escape from reality and just have fun. Then suddenly the day is shattered by the sounds of bullets being sprayed all over the crowds of people who, just like you, were out to enjoy the show. No one knew who was going to be hit. Each bullet hitting people at random. When it ended the area was filled with the carnage of someone else’s selfish insane act.

They were all caught, unaware, that they were in danger. Are we all in danger at any given moment? What about the silent bullets that are shot at us? Bullets that cause death and destruction just like the bullets fired on that horrible day. They bring a maelstrom of carnage to your life. Leaving us wounded and bleeding. Sometimes it brings death to our doors. There are so many ways the attack can come. An illness, a car accident, natural disasters, and a million other ways.

I spent most of the week contemplating how to handle all the loss felt by each person there. Those that lost their loved one as well as all those who realized their safety is just an illusion. That at any given moment we are vulnerable. The Bible tells us we have an enemy who’s only goal is to kill, steal, and destroy us (John 10:10). It’s enough to make you hide away from the world.

What I need to know is the second half of that verse. It goes on to say Jesus has come so that we can have life and have it more abundantly.  Of course bad things happen to those who believe in Jesus. We still get ill, lose loved ones, and die. What the difference is the power to continue in faith, to know who has me in His hands. I need to  know the power of God who gives me strength that I can’t comprehend. The ability to forgive the unforgivable.

I hope those whose lives were changed in Las Vegas will find a way to find Jesus in the midst of the grief, anger, and pain that is left over. I pray they can live each day in faith. Faith that gives them hope for a better day. I pray that I can let my children leave my sight and go boldly into a concert hall the day after this happened. Yes, my daughter’s went to Cold Play the day after the shooting. I’ve got to tell you it scared me but I prayed and asked that God’s will be done. They were given set days to be on this earth. I want them to live it boldly and without fear so they truly live. I don’t want to know the pain of losing one of them but I can’t lock them away and keep them in a bubble.

Lately the news has been so negative and full of conflict that we forget that people are basically good. This shooting gave a glimpse into the heart of so many. We saw a man with an evil, broken, diseased mind and heart but more importantly we saw all the people who gave of themselves. The people who aided those who were injured. The men who shielded others with their own bodies. Those who threw wounded people over their shoulders and ran them to safety. It started even before the shooting when a shirtless cowboy danced with a young woman who’d had the worst year of her life filled with hospitals and chemo.

We need to keep in mind that the life we have can bring joy to others or cause injury to others. We can run and cower when the bullets come or we could know Jesus who holds all our days and whose goal is to give us an abundant life.

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.” Ephesians 1:7

The news has been full of reports of natural disasters all over the world and rumors of war looming over us. Your heart could be moved by the fear and uncertainty of it all. Just before the eclipse I saw pastors telling how God has used an eclipse to be a sign of coming judgement. Then on September 23rd, an alignment in the stars that seem to correlate to what was the Great Sign mentioned in Revelation 12. Some are saying this could be a sign of the tribulation and the soon return of Jesus.

I can see how this could be true. What if it is? Am I ready to meet Jesus? Either through death or in the Rapture. It did give me pause. I have been trying to examine my heart. Have I followed the Golden Rule and the Ten Commandments? Have I been good enough? It is terrifying to face that possibility of not being good enough. Of Jesus saying your not good enough.

Then it became clear to me when I looked inside my heart. I could never be ready on my own. I still have pride, selfishness, anger, hate, deceit, and even murder in my heart. This black heart is not good enough nor will it ever be. I really am without a chance of entering into the glory of Heaven on my own.

Instead of looking inward I need to look upward. Jesus was pure and holy. He can enter into the heavenly realm of God’s Holiness, where as I am completely unholy. As the Bible says my righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). This proves I need Jesus to get me into Heaven.

I am completely without merit. I continue to sin despite my desire to be holy. When I accepted Jesus into my life and heart, I put on His righteousness. My sin is gone. I’ve been washed clean. Clean from all the pride, hatred, deceit, selfishness, and all the other multitudes of sin. I shine with the glory of Jesus despite still being sinful. I don’t carry the burden of sin with Him. He carried that burden to the cross. It was nailed to it and His precious blood spilled over it. It is redeemed by Jesus’ sacrifice of Himself.

So, I am ready to meet God because Jesus paid for all my sin. All the sin I ever have or ever will commit. It’s amazing to me the amount of love this took for Jesus to do.  He did it so everyone of us could just ask Him to live in our heart and be our covering for all of it. That is so comforting that I won’t be denied entry into Heaven. That Jesus in me means I will be able to boldly walk into Heaven

Do you ever think, where is God in all of this. Is He there? This is so awful He must have abandoned us. It can make you angry and distraught to think you’ve been thrown into such angst. Yet,  the God who says He loves you is nowhere to be seen.

I have been in that position on more than a few occasions in my life. I’ve been known to scream angrily at Him. “Why! Where are you?” It never failed that if I stepped back, He would reveal His presence in it. He would be right in the midst of the circumstance all the time. Working it out for me, strengthening me, and protecting me. For most of the time He was carrying me through. When I thought I’d lost it all and all hope was gone. There He was.

The recent cancer diagnosis of my granddaughter Amelia is definitely one of those times that can make you wonder. I found the floor of our lives had dropped out from under us. We were free falling into the blackest moment of our lives. Our hearts have been shaken. We have hope because we  have seen glimpses of the presence of Jesus through out this.

The way the cancer was discovered by her mother.  Both myself and her mother had enlarged suspicious lymph nodes in the recent past. We had been found to be cancer free but because of this her mom knew what was normal and not normal. This Burkitt’s Lymphoma is the fastest growing human tumor. How did it not progress past stage I? I know God used previous circumstances to help with early detection. The cancer stayed in one lymph node and so far has not progressed. Most of the doctors are amazed at how well she is doing.

We’ve seen Jesus in the people who have so generously given to help support them. We had no idea so many people cared. People we knew and those we didn’t. It really is amazing to see God move His army of people to bless us. It is very humbling to see such love by all of them. Every word of encouragement, act of service, monetary support is such a blessing to our family.

I’ve heard it said that in the darkest tragedies that we should “Look for the helpers”. Those people who come to lend aid, save us, support us. They are the hands and feet of Jesus. They are moving on His command. We cannot express enough thanks to the people who are willing to be those hands and feet.

I believe that Jesus is in the midst of everything. He is in the middle of my daily circumstances and in the darkest moments. He really is working it all out for our good. I hope we can help others see Jesus in their circumstance. It can be so overwhelmingly dark but if we look closely we will see small glimmers of the light of Jesus shine through. The only way to take out the darkness is to put the light on.

The last 3 days have been a nightmare that no matter how we try, we cannot wake up from. The diagnosis came that has shaken us to the core. Hearing the words of cancer is horrible but in a small sweet little 4 year old girl it is beyond disgusting. How can this happen to her? Where is God in all of this?

When my daughter called me with the news, it felt like all the air in the room had been sucked out. I stood there gasping for air. My heart shattering into a thousand tiny bits. I knew how much pain my sweet daughter was feeling. She is living out every mother’s worst fear. The thought of my daughter suffering such agony stabbed my heart. I have spent her entire life trying to protect her from pain and keep her from harm. Now I sit here powerless to protect her. I cannot keep this pain at bay for her. I ache to take it all away. Where will we all find the strength?

We will turn to Jesus during this time.  He is going to hold my granddaughter in His hand. He will uphold her parents and the rest of our family. This I have no doubt. Our feet are to the flame. The flame of fear scorching us to the soul. A fire that could consume us, but for the presence of Jesus in the midst of it. As Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were thrown in the flames of a raging furnace, they were saved when that same Jesus stood in the fire with them. That power to save is the hope we have today. He is holding our hands and walking us through this time of testing.

Some may ask “If He is so powerful why doesn’t he just heal her or just have never let her have this?” He made this a perfect world for us in the beginning. The sickness and brokenness of this world was ushered in by us. I know God had to set up a plan to redeem it. We are not guaranteed a life free from the strife that all men are subject to. What we are guaranteed is this will all be made right in the end. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” What could be the purpose for this? How can God make anything good from something so unthinkable? The answer to this is I don’t know, but He does. I just trust He will.

I believe Jesus sees every tear my daughter has cried. He understands the pain my son-in-law is feeling.  He has heard the groaning of our hearts as we agonize over this. He has seen the crushing load of fear that was dropped on us all. I do believe Jesus is powerful enough to uphold us and to bring healing and restoration to my granddaughter.

A friend of mine told the story of God’s ability to give him supernatural strength to avoid being crushed by a heavy object. He had fallen and this object would have landed on his head. Just as he landed what he needed was right there. I thought how God had saved him, not from the fall, but gave him strength to survive the fall.

We shall suffer but we have chosen to follow Jesus. He will lead the charge. The power of Christ will carry us through each day. He goes with us into this battle. Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Life seems so out of control right now. I’m surrounded by people who are hurting including myself. Friends and family are ill. Some are grieving terrible losses. Never have I wanted the covering of the Lord more. His presence is needed at every turn. I want others to see Him, to draw their strength from Him, but really I’m sometimes drowning in it all myself. How can I help lead anyone to Him if I can’t even keep my head above water?

Very early this morning I was listening to some instrumental worship music when a verse came up of Psalms 91:1. ” He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” I just sat there contemplating the meaning of this. At first it’s just a nice thought but when you look deeper it has more meaning than you first realize.

First the word “dwell”. What does dwell mean? It means to live or lodge somewhere. It also means to think, speak, or write at length about something. How do you dwell in the shelter of the Most High? I think it’s about staying there. Putting my feet up and lingering in His presence. Reading His Word and praying is definitely part of it, but so is just an acknowledgement of Him in my life. Having a listening heart that listens for His voice. A bowing down to His Lordship over me.

The other part of the verse is about rest in the shadow of the Almighty. What an awesome visual. I think about this huge rock over me to shelter me from the storm. Though the world is raging around me I am safe in the cleft of this rock. It stands firm no matter what goes on around me. He has me covered. If a bad diagnosis comes, I am still in His presence. I can rest knowing He is in control. If financial problems come up, I am still safe in Him. He is my Provider.

Lack of worry is rest if you think about it. If I have faith that Jesus is over all of the situations that come up in life, I will not be moved when a bad diagnosis or a loss occurs. He will still hold me. He will still be Lord. He will still keep His word. He can still heal and restore me or my loved ones. He still saves me.

The really cool thing about all this is it’s for me but also for everyone. When the verse starts out as “He” it means whoever. It’s for all people. We can all be in the Shadow of our Almighty God. It is big enough for us all to rest knowing He’s got this.

Life has been challenging for us and several people we know. There seems to be no end to the illness, death, and even suicide. One comes to wonder where is God in all of this?How can this be happening if He is there? I remember screaming out to Him several years ago. ” I WOULD NEVER LET ONE OF MY CHILDREN HURT LIKE THIS! WHERE ARE YOU?” I soon found He was right there all the time. He was waiting in the middle of all the heartbreak to hold me up. To give me all I need in the midst of the storm. Jesus brought me amazing blessings out of that storm. I felt all was lost. That nothing  good could come from it. The life I have now makes all the tears and anguish worth it. The one thing I learned is not to run away from His hand but to run to the arms that called out “Come to me”.

 ” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28)

This verse has never meant so much for me as it does now. I am watching so many of us suffering the burdens of this world. There seems to be nowhere to hide from it all. The loss of life that so many of my friends have suffered lately is so heartbreaking. The loss of my Aunt Jackie, a friend who lost her brothers, and one who just lost her husband. I wonder how can we all carry on? This is crushing to the very soul.

The one thing that I have found about the character of Jesus is he is always there. He says in Deuteronomy 31:6 says ” Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” What else in this world is that dependable? The ones we love can leave us, they can become ill and pass away, or we could push them away. Jesus doesn’t come under the rules of death. He won’t pass away because He broke the chains of death. He took away the sting of death when He rose again. He left His Holy Spirit that stays by our side and upholds us when we lie broken on the ground. Our hearts shattered by loss.

Many years ago I was so mad at God. I walked away into sin. I let my anger rage against him, but even then He did not leave me. It’s funny, He was right where I left Him. When the world had it’s way with me, and I was broken, He was there. I had just let the anger and sin cover my view. He let me right back into His covering grace. He still loved me. He filled me so I could be whole again. He held me up when it became impossible for me to stand under my own power.

I know my friends who have lost so much have the same Jesus to hold them. He will hold them as they cry. If they become angry at the unfairness of it all, He will stand and wait till they can see Him again. He will give them beauty for ashes. They may not see it right now while they are in the midst, but one day they will know that Jesus meant it when He said to come to Him and He will never leave you or forsake you”

I have been thinking of what legacy will I leave to this world when I’m gone? Will I have left something grand and beautiful? Will it be a better place because I lived? What do I want my life to portray? What can I do now to make a lasting impact?

Jesus left a legacy of Peace, Love, and the Holy Spirit. John 14:27 says ” Peace I leave with you; My Peace I give to you.” That’s a serious legacy. But, what about me. A fairly unknown and unremarkable woman from Montana? What could I possibly leave to this world?

My worldly possessions may last a few years but really it could be sold at a garage sale or donated. It could also just be tossed in the dump and be gone. So nothing I physically have will last. That leaves just my children. They are my legacy.

What message will they share with the world that speaks of the kind of mother they had? Did I spend their lives filling them up with values that add to the beauty of this world or does it speak of the ugliness that seems so prevalent in society today. How many scars verbally or physically have I left on my daughter’s. I have said harmful things to them that wounded their souls. These could have lasting effects on them and this could bleed out onto their children with a legacy of self abuse and addictions to cover the scars my words left. What can I do to fix this? I don’t want that to be my legacy. I want my life to have brought joy to my girls. I can’t take away the words I spoke, so how can I stop the power those words have to destroy everyone?

They need a balm to heal those wounds left by my words. What kind of medicine does that? I gave them Jesus. He has been referred to as a balm who brings healing to the wounded.  He covers our pain with His grace and mercy. His forgiveness brings restoration. He removes the power of the harmful words that I spoke to them. He replaces those words with words of love. He fills every void I leave in their hearts. If they lack love He tells them that He loves them so much He died for them. If they are empty His Holy Spirit will fill them. If they are poor He will be their provider. If they need protection He will be their Savior. If they are hungry He is the Bread of Life. If they feel betrayed they have Jesus who is faithful and true. If they are bound by sin He is their deliverer. It goes on and on with what He has for my girls and each generation that comes after them.

So when I give my girls an understanding of who Jesus is I have given them everything. They will lack nothing because He lacks nothing. I have in no way been a perfect mother but I have given them a perfect Jesus. So my legacy is my children who will pass on Jesus to their children and grandchildren. It will never end.

 

 

Recently I have lost my dear Aunt Jackie. She was very special to me. Every year she came to my house just before school started. She would pick me up and drive me to Great Falls to go shopping. She would tell me to get whatever I wanted. I remember thinking we would go to Kmart but she always took me to the Style Shoppe, which for Great Falls was a high end store. She would buy me dresses and shoes. Making sure I had slips and socks for everything. It meant so much to me. She knew how hard it was for my Mom to supply us with clothes for school. She said I reminded her of my mom. I will always be so grateful to her. The nice clothes kept me from being ridiculed in school and made me feel special.

When I heard she was ill, myself and all her loved ones prayed for healing. She ultimately passed away. Why hadn’t God healed her? Jesus reminded me He had done exactly that. When she passed from this world she was born in the place of ultimate healing.

You can be healed in this world with just your earthly physical body. When you are healed in heaven you are healed in every way. 2 Corinthians 5:1-10 tells us that we put on heavenly bodies and we will be with the Lord which is our true home. There will be no more sickness, sin, or brokenness.

I can’t even imagine the joy that Jackie is having now. She is in the presence of God with all those who have gone before. Living in freedom of all the burdens of this earth. She knows the truth of God’s unfailing love. It isn’t just faith but it is real to her now. She has seen her parents and her husband with their new bodies. More importantly she has seen Jesus. She knows that all of it is true. Her eyes are seeing the reality of everything she hoped and trusted on. There is no worry, strife, or fear. There are no negative feelings. When I stop to think about it I cannot even comprehend that type of existence.

So sometimes, God heals our sick earthly bodies which is miraculous, but sometimes he takes our loved ones to ultimately heal them. If we saw all this with heavenly eyes we could know He is doing more for them by taking them home with Him.

Lola was a young bride of a Montana homesteader named Warren. She had been orphaned at a young age so she had very little training in being a homemaker. She felt especially inadequate in the kitchen. She hadn’t been able to master the art of bread making. A neighbor lady who had frequently brought food over to Warren before they had married told  her, “Now Lola, you must be able to bake a decent loaf of bread for your husband. Why Warren just loves my bread.”

Lola tried batch after batch of dough but either it didn’t rise or if it did it was too dense or tasteless. She was feeling hopeless and thought she will do one more attempt and then she would give up if it failed again.

So one morning she started a batch. She followed the recipe exactly. She made sure to not miss a step. The dough was perfect. She kneaded it till the dough would spring back when she poked it with her finger. She thought this is it. She proceeded to butter a large bowl to hold this perfect dough. All her hopes laid in this batch. She covered it with a towel and waited for it to rise. She waited and waited. After 90 min and it still stayed the same size with no indication of growth. She was brokenhearted. She thought how can I get rid of this dough so no one will find out she had failed again. She especially didn’t want that nosy neighbor to know.  So she found the most logical place to hide that dough. The chicken yard.

The chickens were her chore. She raised them and no one goes in the chicken yard but her. She grabbed a shovel and went to work at making a hole big enough for this huge lump of disappointment. She had finished patting down the dirt and hiding the evidence. Pleased with her job she went back into the house.  She washed her hands and got to work making biscuits to replace the bread to go with her stew.

Later that day about 3 pm she hears Warren returning from the fields. The screen door opened and she called out “I’m in the kitchen.” She looked up and she sees Warren as he comes in with a mischievous smile on his face. Her welcoming smile faded into a look of horror. In Warren’s arms sat a massive mound of muddy looking dough that was starting to expand over Warren’s hands and was nearly hanging to the floor.

The warm afternoon sun had taken over warming that dough. Warren said he had heard a commotion in the chicken yard and he found a growing mass under the yard. The chickens were squawking and running away from it. Except for a few brave ones who pecked at it. He dug it up and realized what it was. He had to bring it in to show her. Of course his gentle taunting was not meant to hurt his wife but he just couldn’t resist.

This was always one of  my favorite stories told to me by Lola of her days as a farmers wife. Yes, she was my Grandmother. She told me this story one night as she was putting me to bed. She would share how God had worked in her life. How this taught her to be more patient. To wait for the Light of the World to make things happen. That it can look completely hopeless, but if you wait for the Holy Spirit to work, it will blossom. With God, it is all in His timing. We may wait and wait and throw the towel in but just as it seems the most hopeless is when God does the miraculous.

By the way, Grams became an amazing cook and her bread was delicious.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord. ( Lamentations 3:24-26)

This week I spent a lot of time talking to people who feel they are hopeless and unloved.  Their hearts and minds so weighed down with burdens and chains they don’t want to face their lives any longer.

My heart breaks for them. They are in agony. Writhing to escape the trap of lies from the evil one. I’ve been there before. I’ve known the ache to just end my life. To stop the mental and spiritual torture of a broken heart. A heart broken by the circumstances of my life. I’ve had the voice of a liar speaking curses and untruths to me day and night.

He made me believe I was a mistake, unlovable, without hope, and not even God could love me. He told me to face the facts that I would be better off dead and forgotten than to face one more day of the agony I was in. Besides no one will miss me and they would be better off without me.

But… Jesus had a different plan for me. He gave me someone who loved me unconditionally.

My Grandma, or Grams as we affectionately called her. She loved me. She was my best friend. She loved everyone she came into contact with and I know for fact she prayed for them all. Good or bad she wanted them to know they are loved. She never spoke an ill word about them.

Grams told me about Jesus. How he loved me. How he created me. How even though I was the result of a unwanted pregnancy, Jesus always had a plan for me. He knew me. The God of the Universe loved me.

I once had a dream where Satan was at my church. He was standing on stage spewing hateful vile words to the congregation. The pastors and others are calling out “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!” But he just laughed at them and continued to curse everyone.  I said “let me try.” I yelled out “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!” Suddenly, Satan stood directly in front of me. I told him I didn’t understand how he didn’t have to leave like I was always told he would. He said “Do you know why I don’t have to leave? None of you really know how much Jesus loves you. If you did you would have so much power I couldn’t hurt you anymore. I would have to leave you alone.”

Talk about a crazy dream, but it taught me that knowing the power of the love of Christ is my weapon against all things. If I know the love of Jesus, I couldn’t be fearful, sad, or without hope. I couldn’t hate myself because I would know I was hating Jesus because I am made in His image. I would trust that Jesus has a plan for me. I would know I was lovable and wanted.

This love changes everything. I don’t listen to the voice of the enemy anymore. I still have scars and sometimes my heart can look at a circumstance and get a glimmer of old pains. Suddenly the still small voice of the Holy Spirit speaks to me. He reminds me how precious I am. How I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He has a purpose and plan for me. He is my Rock and Salvation. I don’t have to be lost in a sea of loneliness, self hatred, and hopelessness.

I hope others feel loved by me. I want to exude a spirit of love. I hope I leave a  legacy like my Grams who showed all people the love of Jesus.

Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8: 37-39)

Recently I awoke from a cat nap with a sense something was wrong. My chest felt heavy and my heart was racing erratically. Then the pain and shortness of breath started.  Was I having a heart attack?

After an ER visit where they shocked my heart twice I was back in rhythm. It was an eye-opening experience for me. I truly saw how life can change in an instant. I went from having a restful evening at home to literally being told that I could have a blood clot in my heart that could dislodge with the shock and cause a stroke.

Luckily the second shock set me back into normal sinus rhythm and I was discharged home within 30 min. The whole experience was surreal. I went home knowing my heart had been stopped and restarted just an hour before and here I was back to normal life. Now comes the work of finding out why and to make a plan to keep it in rhythm.  Daily aspirin to keep a clot risk down, avoiding caffeine, and taking all my medications as directed. It will be a lifetime of being diligent to take care of my heart. I will need to pay attention to the rhythm and look for changes.

I can’t help but compare it to my spiritual life. I get out of sync with my relationship with Christ. I want to go my own way. I’m out of rhythm with Him. I pull away speeding through life instead of following the path he is leading me through. I don’t do it intentionally it just subtlety occurs without me really seeing it. It’s like a small child in a store. At first your holding your parent’s hand. Your following along but your grip loosens then you let go. Your attention is on the new toy and suddenly you look around and your all on your own.  It can happen through being too busy with all the good things in life as well as the bad things. It’s not always a big intentional sin that draws us away. It is a loss of purposeful intention. We need to steer our thoughts and time to follow the heels of Jesus closely. Keeping our eyes and minds on Him.

I need to look for the changes that indicate my spirit is out of alignment with God’s Will. Am I not walking in rhythm with God? Do I take time to listen? Am I filling my soul with God’s Word?  Is there a time set aside in my day that’s just for Him?

Checking our heart is like steering a boat in a storm.   The waves and the wind are pushing and pulling in every direction.  Adjusting the rudder and sails continuously to ensure your on the right path.

My goal is to avoid the crisis moment that something dramatic must happen to get me to shocked back to attention. Keeping on track despite what life throws at me.

Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast trusting in the LORD. (Psalm 112:6-7)